The Fine Art Of Appearing To Be Correct

Welcome, my dear creepers, to Professor Zerglot’s newest class, Looking-Like-You-Know-What-You’re-Talking-About 101. This used to be the room where I taught Being Correct, For Dummies, but free will and stupid opinions got in the way of progress. So in its place, here I will teach you the noble and ancient craft of convincing other people that that your point of view takes priority over theirs.

Like I said before, we’re dropping our Being Correct section from the syllabus. Therefore, actually being right will be taking a back seat this semester. What does this mean for you? For starters, it means you’re free to push any ideas and beliefs you may have, regardless of their accuracy. “But Professor, why would you willingly contribute to the spread of falsehoods?” Two reasons. First of all, I think it’s a shame that dumb ideas must be shared solely through the internet by way of angry YouTube comments and terrible spelling. I remember the days when people had to look people in the eye while they lied through their teeth. Secondly, seeing as how anyone with two brain cells to rub together will do their own research before taking someone’s word for anything, I’m not really doing any real damage. These methods I’m about to teach you are a lot like the Jedi mind trick; it only works on the weak minded. No one seemed to have a problem with Obi-Wan wiggling his fingers around willy-nilly, getting people to do his bidding, so you have no right to judge.

The most important thing to remember, boys and girls, is that the least influent factor in convincing someone you are correct is whether or not you ARE correct. To give this perspective, the second least important thing is whether or not your socks match at the moment. This works inversely as well; being right will not always assure your victory in an argument.

No, the most important aspect of a winning argument is confidence. Of course, if I were more confident, I could convince you that the most important aspect was neatly groomed toe nails. Why? Because a large portion of the population is too busy second guessing themselves and worrying about whether or not they’ll appear ill informed in front of their peers to stick by an opinion if someone with confidence comes along and challenges them.

You don’t need to be correct, but you do need to have a vague knowledge on the subject. “Professor, if I don’t need to be right, why bother with even general facts?” I’ll tell you, but if you keep interrupting my lecture this is going to take all night. Relax. A general knowledge of concepts relating to the subject of your argument will give you several opportunities to pretend that you have facts supporting you. When in actuality, you’re just spouting nonsense.

Now you’ve fooled everyone into believe your story, but there is one last step to achieving maximum awesomitude. You just got away with something unbelievably hilarious, so what’s your first reaction? If you guessed “Happy Dance” then you’re correct, but you must suppress this urge. The moments just prior to your verbal victory are the most dangerous, because the temptation to grin, laugh, or even rub it in their faces that you just sold them a pack of lies will be incredibly strong. I usually bite the inside of my lip to hold back the grin, and I can keep a straight face throughout the entire procedure. Painful enough to keep my mind focused, but not obvious to anyone around me. However, for those of you with sensitive mouths, or very sharp teeth, it’s best to either change the subject, or beat a hasty retreat. Remember the golden rule: no one questions sudden and urgent bowel movements. If all else fails and you feel yourself losing control of your facial muscles, fake a stomach cramp and head to the bathroom.

Watch and learn, as I apply what we’ve learned in this mock conversation I just made up on the friggin’ spot.

Professor Zerglot: Did you see the sun this morning before you headed into the office? I can’t believe what’s happening out there.
(Step 1, initiate conversation.)
Coworker Herp-Derp: No? It was overcast, why?
Professor Zerglot: It looks green, man. I know it sounds bizarre, but it’s literally green.
(Step 2, you’re totally wrong, in every way, shape, and form. Great start.)
Coworker Herp-Derp: What are you even talking about?
Professor Zerglot: The. Sun. Is. Green. It was all over the news, I can’t believe you didn’t notice it, or even hear anything about it.
(Step 3, play on his low self confidence. Don’t back down, and throw in a quick jab about him being too slow to know about this already wildly known fact.)
Coworker Herp-Derp: How would the sun turn green? You’re full of it.
Professor Zerglot: You seriously haven’t watched the news? There was a massive shift in the core temperature of the sun, its releasing energy of a different wavelength now. Didn’t you take freshman physics in high school?”
(Step 4, pepper in general knowledge to appear like you know what you’re talking about. Pure brilliance. Apply more pressure to his ego, backing him into a corner where he has to either accept this wild truth, or stick to his guns and risk looking like a complete idiot at the office.)
Coworker Herp-Derp: You’re serious? Is it dangerous to us? I need to get the kids out of school, I need to call my wife, why are we all still in the office?
(Step 5, tactical retreat. This is make or break time, ladies. All of your hard work will have been for naught if he catches even the slightest hint that you’re playing him for a fool. How do we handle it?)
Professor Zerglot: They’re telling everyone not to panic, but I don’t think the boss can make you stay if you need to get your kids. I’ll cover for you, go get your family together and watch the news until this is all sorted out.I’ll talk to him as soon as I get to the bathroom; all of this stress isn’t helping my stomach at all.

Wow. What a performance. Confident the entire way through, never backed down. Applied pressure with some light jabs to the ego, and apparent knowledge of the subject. And before he could screw anything up, he played the role of the caring coworker, and exited quickly. Now that poor man is running down the hallway to pick up his kid. It won’t be long before he notices the sun has a distinct lack of green to it, but for now, savor the victory. You’ve earned it.

Well creepers, that’s all for this week. Make sure you study chapters seven through four. Next week we’ll be studying bacon; how much is too much?

Hint? No such thing.