Diaries Of A Mad Scientist (Part 1)

Feb 2, 2032
Finally finished project. All research now set to detonate upon my death, via pulse recognition software in my watch. Worried it might fall off and destroy work prematurely, had to permanently graft it to arm. Makes tight sleeves difficult, must wear labcoat to all social functions. As I will leave no research behind, will chronicle life in journal instead.

Feb 8, 2032
Celebrated wife’s birthday with her family. Never can fit in, attempted to ease past the social awkwardness with NASCAR joke. They were not amused. Wife mentioned they were sensitive to issues of race; was not aware this is what she meant. Should have stuck to racial jokes instead. Could not have gone any worse, at least.

Feb 14, 2032
Yesterdays experiment was a rousing success. There were minor causalities, but no unacceptable losses. Neighbor refuses to see reason however. Must remember to send a gift basket to placate her. Not sure why she’s upset; her dog died for SCIENCE.

Feb 29, 2032
Computer virus complete. Instead of the time, computer clocks worldwide will now display argument for why leap years are pointless and unnecessary. Better to just extend final day in every year to assure planet has fully orbited sun than to make up a day and pretend we are back on track. Party goers would be pleased with extra time during the festivities. Refuse to take part in this stupid day.

March 10, 2032
Forgot research materials at home, forced to talk to other parents during daughter’s ballet recital. Told new joke (What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium.) and was ignored. Another father told fart joke, everyone laughed. Removed daughter from class and set the building on fire. News report says building was placed on top of a methane gas field. Explains the impressive explosion as we were driving home. Poetic justice of entire situation pleased me.

March 21, 2032
Plenty of time for research now that wife refuses to let me take children to social activities. Did not expect to be rewarded for destroying dance hall. With so much free time, picked up book of puns at library. Hope to increase knowledge of puns to avoid anymore social blunders. Jokes are key to starting healthy relationships.

March 22, 2032
Wife filed for divorce. Apparently puns are great for starting friendships, not good for maintaining a marriage. I should have known this was coming. Marry not a tennis player, for love means nothing to them.

April 4, 2032
Finally finished my research. Threw myself into my work after the divorce to escape the depression. Proved without a doubt that there is no afterlife. Sent research to be looked over by other prominent researchers, but the work is sound. Regardless of our achievements, and no matter how hard we struggle to live longer and fill our lives with meaning, eventually we are reduced to nothing more than dust and organic waste. And those who do manage to live long lives are rewarded only with the opportunity to watch everyone they loved and grew up with die before them.

Also, discovered that Butterfingers come as a frozen treat now. So, all in all, good day.

April 18, 2032
Misunderstanding with police, sentenced to a year of prison. Apparently cloning wife violates the terms of restraining order. Argued that the clone was not the same woman, but not only is the DNA identical, but so are physical appearances. Curse my fastidious attention to detail. Luckily, since judge ruled they were the same person, I simply cloned myself and had the clone serve the prison sentence. Judge was not pleased. Neither was clone. Appears I must find a new way to pass the time.

April 26, 2032
Often wondered why my future self never traveled back through time to aid in my research. Realized that I must work on machine in present to travel in future back to past. Or perhaps I do achieve time travel and simply grow up to be a jerk in the future. Putting all other projects on hold while I research time travel possibilities and attend sensitivity and tolerance seminar to ensure my personality does not affect my plans.

April 28, 2032
Seminar leader told us when the class was over, we would be able to accept people for who they are, regardless of personality flaws, just like he could. Thought it was a challenge, approached him with several tasteless jokes I acquired on the internet. Understand that dead baby jokes would affect him more than some after losing his children, but was disappointed by his lack of tolerance. Do not foresee learning anything from incompetent teacher, will not be going back.

May 8, 2032
The world is burning. Not in a metaphorical sense, the world is being consumed by flames. Even the oceans are ablaze. Cities being reduced to nothing more than ash. Not just cities, entire nations. All consuming fire, unending.

Globe rolled off its stand and into the fireplace. Have to pick up a new one at Wal-Mart.

May 17, 2032
Sold some of my genetic material to nearby safari enthusiasts as lion repellent. They were skeptical at first, but were soon amazed by the complete lack of lions in my house, where the material is always present. Easily the most lucrative bowel movement I have ever had.